Will The Real Italian Please Stand Up?

[[The scene opens up with a shot of a really large whale. As you sit and think to yourself, why in the hell am I looking at a whale, the camera fades back. Now you can see the sign above the whale that reads "Sea World." The scene quickly fades out from the Sea World sign only to re-fade back in next to a huge aquarium. There are people standing next to the glass, just watching the fish swim around in circles, amazed by the bright colors some of these fish possess. All of a sudden, a huge gasp is heard from the spectators and the parents quickly cover their children's eyes. The reason? Well....a man in a rubber suit is drifting down towards the bottom of the tank after appearing out of nowhere. It appears that his body is completely lifeless. All of a sudden, he turns his head and cracks a huge smile, scaring the hell out of the parents, catching them off guard. The man begins to rise up to the top of the aquarium, where the camera view changes to all of a sudden. You see the man climb out of the top of the cage.]]

Man: Ah.....that was a wonderful rest, I'll have to sleep with the fishes some more.

[[The man takes off his goggles and whatever it was that he was wearing on his head to keep his hair dry and you now immediately recognize him as "Perfection Personified" Percy Snow. He checks his hair, realizes it's still completely dry and smiles. He still has the rubber suit as he sits down on a nearby bench and leans back against the wall the bench is next to. He kicks off his flip floppy things and looks towards the camera.]]

Percy Snow: Ya know, I gotta thank you Alan. I mean, you made my weekend that much better by giving me the idea to go sleep with those cute lil fishies. Let me tell ya, compared to sleeping on a nice soft pillowtop mattress, it's so much more refreshing, relaxing, and even comfortable. I'd be glad to sleep with those fishies any day of the week. Of course, as in everything I do, there was a crowd of people watching me. Damn voyeurism, dammit to hell. Except Voyeur Dorm. That can stay, but the voyeurism when it applies to me, it's just plain sick! I figured since you're the big Mafia boss guy that I'd play by your rules and adjust to your lifestyle, which doesn't seem that bad. If you think sleeping with the fishies is rough, try wearing an all red jump suit in Compton, now that is scary stuff.

[[Percy Snow peels down the top half of his rubber suit, revealing his chest as he slides off the rest, the camera quickly turns away and you hear him laughing. The camera turns back and you realize he had shorts on underneath. He grabs a nearby duffel bag and excuses himself to the restroom. When he returns, he is now sporting some black Karl Kani jeans with a red and black button up Karl Kani High Rollin' shirt. He has the duffel bag in his hand as he starts his walk down the hall, followed by the camera.]]

Percy Snow: Are we even sure that this guy is who he says he is. I mean, he claims to be an Italian Mafia Boss, but let's look at the facts. Alen Wadge? What kind of name is that? In XW, we had an Italian mafia guy in there going by the name of Giovanni Sambora, now that's a real italian name. And man could that guy eat spaghetti. I made the mistake of offering to buy him dinner one night and by the time we were done, my tab was over a hundred bucks, just off his spaghetti. So I ask you this Mr. Wadge, where is your spaghetti?

[[Percy stops dead in his tracks causing the camera to almost run into him as he turns and watches a hot little female walking by. She's about 5'5 with blonde hair, a nice round ass, tight little body. He starts walking towards, lifting a little kid into the air and out of his way. He steps up behind her and taps her on her shoulder.]]

Percy Snow: Excuse me chica....

[[She turns around and smiles and you see she is missing one of her front teeth. You hear a loud gasp from Percy Snow as his eyes bug out of his head.]]

Chica: Yes cutie?

[[Percy debates what he's going to do as he looks at this.....interesting chick.]]

Percy Snow: Do you own a paper bag?

[[She looks confused as she answers.]]

Chica: I can get one from the store, why?

[[Percy grins.]]

Percy Snow: Well, you see. I have every intention of having you in bed with me naked tonight, but you see....I have a paper bag fetish. If the female doesn't have a paper bag on her head, then I don't want her.

[[She looks really confused.]]

Chica: Well, I'll try anything once. If you're good enough to get me naked in bed with you that is.

[[He laughs at the thought of not being good enough. He pulls out a business card and hands it to her.]]

Percy Snow: Call me later.

[[She notices the camera now.]]

Chica: Ok, but what's the camera for?

[[He smiles.]]

Percy Snow: Well, I'll be honest with you. This is a camera from 20/20, they are following me around today to see what a day in my life is like.

[[She is confused again, damn blondes.]]

Chica: Why you?

[[He looks at her, dead serious in her eyes.]]

Percy Snow: Because I have the biggest penis in the World.

[[Her jaw drops as he walks away, leaving her standing there, mouth wide open, watching him as he walks down the stairs, the camera behind him all the way.]]

Percy Snow: Speaking of ugly chicks, another Italian Mafia guy comes to mind....Jimmy Luciano. Yea, there's a reason we call him Luci. That's no matter though. Let's listen to his name...Jimmy Luciano. Luciano, has a nice Italian ring to it, doesn't it? And even if you don't think it's an Italian name, just take one look at Luciano and how greasy he is, there is no question at all that Luci is Italian, none I say, none! When I look at you my friend, I see an old, dry skinned, which by the way you might wanna get some lotion for, no spaghetti eating wannabe Italian. So I ask you dear sir, where is your grease?

[[Percy Snow is stopped by a security guard now. Not just a regular security, but some big beefy guy with the shirt on really tight, looking two sizes too small. He stands there with his arms crossed across his chest.]]

Security Guard: You cannot bring that camera in here sir.

Percy Snow: Ha! That's what they said about me swimming with the fishies, but I proved them wrong, it is possible!

Security Guard: Yes, I know having a camera is possible, but it's not allowed.

Percy Snow: I didn't bring a camera.

Security Guard: But the camera is with you.

Percy Snow: What camera?

Security Guard: That camera.

[[The security guard points behind Percy and Percy turns around slowly as the camera moves around so that when Percy turns he still can't see it. Percy turns back around and sees the camera behind the security guard.]]

Percy Snow: HEY! You can't have a camera in here!

Security Guard: This isn't my camera goddammit.

Percy Snow: Sure it is, he's recording you. Your bad attitude will not be good for business.

Security Guard: That's it, I'm calling the cops.

Percy Snow: No bacon for me thanks, I already ate.

[[At this point, the security guard punches a hole in the wall, which was caught on camera so that he can be prosecuted, and takes off back to his headquarters to make a phone call. Percy Snow smirks and continues on his way.]]

Percy Snow: I do believe he had some hostility issues, maybe he's Italian too. It's a well known fact that all Italians have anger issues. Let's look at some of the top Mafia guys. Santos Trafficante, he killed a rival Mafia leader while the guy was getting his weekly shave, that's pure brutality. Carlos Marcello, the man responsible for Kennedy's death, he was known for brutally beating anybody who even slightly messed up. The Italians are always fighting, but you Mr. Wadge, you prefer to let others do your dirty work. You are proving that you are not a legit Mafia Boss, but rather a wannabe who thinks that leaders just send others to do their dirty work. In fact, a Mafia Boss can do it on his own too. So I ask you this...where is your brutality and violence?

[[Percy finally reaches the exit just as the security guard comes running up. Percy quickly ducks outside the gate, sticks his tongue out at the security, puts his thumbs in his ears, and waves his fingers.]]

Percy Snow: Na Na Na Boo Boo, you can't catch me!

[[He notices that people are looking at him funny and stops. He sits down at the bus stop and looks at the camera.]]

Percy Snow: Alan, you don't have an Italian name, you don't eat spaghetti, you aren't greasy, and you do not have violent tendencies. You, my friend, are nothing more than a poser, meaning you pose as something you're not. And what do we do with posers? We run them right out of town after exposing them for what they truly are. So Mr. Wadge, I really hate to be the one responsible for destroying your career, but you have left me with no choice. I gave you a chance and what did do you? You just kept on going with your Mafia talk. Well, I've exposed you for a poser today. The next time you see me, I will destroy what's left of your dignity. Have fun Mr. Man, this may be your last chance for a long long time.

[[The bus arrives and Percy hops on, leaving the cameraman by himself as the scene fades to black.]]

Thanks to the creative genius known as Nathanial Rezno Glore for helping with an idea.